Rock Bottom

[I think this is the last one I wrote and never finished. But I thought it was funny anyway. The best part: it's true!]

More Adventures of the Unemployed
[written 1/14/09]

            I believe I may have hit rock bottom. Well, at least I hope it is rock bottom. I would hate to think that there is more ‘bottom’. Apparently, I was previously at the level just above ‘rock bottom’ which, it turns out is called ‘subsoil bottom’, which, interestingly enough is below ‘topsoil bottom’. In fact, ‘rock bottom’ is not really ‘rock bottom’ at all. It is really ‘weathered parent material bottom’ which consists almost exclusively of rock particles, hence ‘rock bottom’. See, these are the fun things you can take the time to look up and learn when you have no actual projects or deadlines or purpose.

            So, as I was saying, last week I was at the “end of my rope”…I thought. But apparently, I was only ALMOST at the end of my rope. Either that or I had ascended the rope ever so slightly without my noticing––a depressing thought, because when you’ve been jobless for months, even the slightest progress should bring jubilation. And to think that I may have overlooked a moment of contentment, nay, pleasure, well...that would be sad. But, since I don’t recall anything resembling bliss, I must assume, for sanity’s sake, that I was not really at the “end of my rope” at all, only at the “end of the penultimate millimeter of the end of my rope.” Penultimate? Look it up. I did––smack-dab in the middle of the day, when most of you were at work.

            So what was this ‘rock bottom’ event? A letter from a famous pizza franchise rejecting my application for employment. That’s right. I am apparently not qualified to deliver pizza. They were, however, kind enough to send me a rejection email, which I shall include here:

We have received your application for the position of  Delivery Driver. After careful consideration, we regret to inform you that you have not been selected for this position. We will retain your information in our database and may inform you of job openings that match your profile if you selected this option.

  We thank you for your interest in Xxxxx Pizza and wish you all the best in your career. As a thank you for applying, we'd like to offer you a free order of breadsticks with your next Xxxxx Pizza online order, click here!

Talk about an ego boost.

             Now, I don’t mean to demean pizza or its deliverers. I love them both: the pizza for tasting so yummy and the delivery person for bringing it to me. [unfinished]