Adventures of the Unemployed

[I wrote a few of these kind of Dave Berry-esque pieces in the midst of an employment crisis. I think, somewhere in my head, I had the idea of submitting them to some paper as a sort of nod to the millions, like myself at the time, who were unemployed. Not really political, but I had fun writing them.]

Adventures of the Unemployed
[written 1/12/09]

            So, I’ve been without consistent employment for a few months now. Don’t get me wrong; it’s not as though I haven’t been working. Aside from the odd jobs here and there, I’ve solved eight or nine of the hardest NYT crosswords I’ve ever seen. I’ve also worked out a solution to the kid-slamming-the-toilet-seat-after-doing-his/her-business dilemma. That’s a real conundrum. With eight kids in the house–yes, I said eight (what can I say, the woman loves crossword masters)–the toilets get a lot of use. Previous to my genius work-around we’d go through about one seat every two to three days. If I listened in on the kids at night in their rooms, I’m sure I’d hear, “Hey, have you tried the new toilet seat. Man, is it loud! It’s awesome!” Which explains why every couple of days I find a toilet lid unhinged from its seat, or the whole thing laying at an angle to the bowl, and I have to sit carefully, lest I slide right off the thing. Turning to get the toilet paper can be particularly problematic. With a loose toilet seat you must twist at the waist. If you try to shift your derrière, the whole seat twists and you could find yourself sitting on the floor, but still on the toilet seat.

            These apparent toilet seat decibel tests also explain why I’m awakened by random SLAM!’s throughout the night. With eight children, someone is constantly getting out of bed to use  a toilet. A burglar could break in knock something down and never be discovered: “Honey, what was that?” “Probably just one of the kids trying out the new toilet seat. Have you heard it? Man, is it loud. It’s pretty awesome.”

            So what is this genius fix to the broken and noisy toilet seat problem (patent pending, mind you)? It’s simple, and it involves a tool we contractors like to call “God’s Gift to Construction”: duct tape. (Don’t worry, if I’ve ever worked on or built one of your homes. I have a strict 5% rule, which basically says that no more than 5% of all connections, eg. wire splices, plumbing joints, joist hangers, et al, can be made with duct tape. Thus far I’ve not had any problems, if you don’t count that one guy who turned out to be allergic to truss induced head wounds.) But I digress…So basically, I tape the seat to the bowl and the lid to the tank. Voila! No more slamming. I call it my Safe and Silent Seats campaign.

            Aside from my wife’s I-want-my-house-to-look-like-a-bed-and-breakfast-inn complaints, the only other problem is with the boys, and it’s really not a problem but potentially a plus. You see, now the boys are more likely to sit, except for the ones who prefer a challenge. But, if just one of the boys will sit, then there’s a chance the bathroom will not only have a Safe and Silent Seat, but will also only smell like one port-a-john, instead of a fleet of them, after a couple of days of the boys standing at the toilet. I swear, you would think they go in there inebriated, singing slurred sailor songs. It’s either that or they hold it in for two weeks and then when it’s time to go, IT’S TIME TO GO! Daily I hear my four year old son doing the potty dance while simultaneously trying to get the seat up and his pants down, all while trying to keep from unleashing terror on the toilet and its environs. If the bathroom walls could speak, as soon as they saw my son enter holding himself, they would let out a collective, “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

            Solving the problem of instilling cleaner toileting techniques in the boys will require a completely separate campaign. Perhaps: Safe, Silent, and SANITARY Seats. Hopefully, full-time employment can wait just long enough to allow me to unravel that universal mystery. Whatever the solution, it will no doubt require a lot of duct tape.