Further Adventures of the Unemployed

[Here's the second installment, written soon after. Keep in mind I never really finished them, ie. prepared them for public consumption.]

Further Adventures of the Unemployed
[written 1/13/09]

            When you’re unemployed you fill out a lot of applications. First you start out very selectively, looking for work that not only meets your pay expectations, but is also something you would enjoy doing. The problem is, in a shrinking work force, like we have, it turns out you are not the only one applying for a particular job. In fact, there is a very good chance that 8,000 other people are applying for that same job. But don’t worry, once they start digging through all the PhD’s and Nobel Prize winners, you will no doubt float to the top….of the trash. Next, you begin looking for work that is directly related to your field, with compensation that will, at minimum, meet your immediate needs. Finally, you begin looking for work that is at least related to your field in that they employ humans.

            Suddenly you realize that you are now competing for jobs, for which you once thought yourself overqualified, against people who, like yourself, once thought themselves overqualified. Wal-mart is now in the coveted position of choosing their greeter from a group of people with years of experience in other fields:

“So let’s see. We’ve whittled it down to Mr. Jones, a master plumber with a degree in business, and Ms. Taylor, a former copy editor with a degree in political science. What do you think?"

“Well, a greeter needs to be friendly with a nice appearance, which rules out the plumber. I mean, what if he has to bend over and pick something up?”

“True. But we also don’t want our customers accosted by an annoying, know-it-all, over-talkative git. Political science and a woman? She won’t shut up.”

“Good point. Let’s go back to the pile.”

            My favorite part of the application process has become the questionnaire/quiz. It usually takes the form of a personality or intelligence quiz. Here the employer intends to assess the quality of your employee-ness, or at least weed out the ones who might show up wearing their underwear as overwear.

The intelligence test might have a question like this:

An item costs $3.38. The customer gives you $20. How much change do give you back?

A.            $17.72

B.             $23.38

C.             $16.62

D.            It depends on the customer: tax payer––a kick in the shins; poorly managed car manufacturer––$34 billion.

            Even more entertaining is the personality quiz. Here they give you a series of questions, each of which contains all good answers or all bad answers. Apparently, a potentially good employee can decipher the correct answer. Normal people need not apply. Example:

Would you consider yourself:

A.            Helpful.

B.             Intelligent.

C.             Determined.

D.            Trustworthy.

Uhhh…. Helpful?

“Sorry, we were looking for ‘Determined’.”

Dang!

Here’s a question I recently came across:

Do you prefer to work:

A.            Under pressure at all times.

B.             Under pressure most of the time.

C.             With intermittent moments of pressure.

D.            With no pressure at all.

Ummm….

Now, this is a trick question. Normal people would choose ‘D’. But we all know that that is not the correct answer. What the employer wants to hear is ‘A’ or:

            E.  With one eye taped shut, a pebble in my shoe, a severe case of eczema, and my boss glaring at me, whispering obscenities, all while taking notes – oh, and it’s 102˚ and my cash register isn’t working.

            If I were in charge, I’d make the personality quiz and the intelligence test one and the same, with only one question:

If a customer needed help, would you:

A.            Tell him you don’t help imbeciles.

B.             Tell him he is ugly, to go home and quit scaring little children.

C.             Take his cell phone, call his significant other and tell him/her that you are the customer’s secret lover.

D.            Strike him with a nearby object.

E.             All of the above.

Here, the only acceptable answers are: ‘no answer’ or ‘E’. Obviously, if the applicant is willing to do ‘E’ than you have found yourself not only a real go-getter but also the head of the company's party planning committee.

            Unfortunately, I am not in charge. That would imply employment––a state of being I could possibly obtain if I could just remember that I am  ‘C' - determined’ and not ‘A' - helpful’.