It's About Time!

In case you were not aware, a very important piece of legislation passed recently. You've probably been distracted by things like $800 billion stimulus packages, $3.6 trillion budgets, a worsening economy, war in Iraq and Afghanistan, encroaching socialism, and Barney Franks lisp. None of those things, though, could have distracted anyone from noticing the growing epidemic of chimpanzee/monkey violence against humans. I swear a day does not go by that I'm not subjected to another horrifying account of primate on primate (read: humans, according to the American Scientific) savagery.

But wait! Have no fear, Speaker Pelosi is here! On Tuesday, Feb. 24 2009, Congress took decisive action to stem the tide of a monkey business that was festering by the minute. (Enjoy the mixed metaphors). Yes, they voted to protect primates from other primates by regulating the chimpanzee trade, making it illegal, in some situations, to transport baboons, et al, across state lines.

How will this work, you ask? Well, it's a well known fact that apes despise domestic travel. Once in their home state they become very attached, and the very thought of visiting other states makes them go, well, ape. If we can just get people to not vacation with their simian friends, the growing primate brutality problem will largely disappear.

Who will ever forget the story of the Alabaman Howler Monkey being taken by its family to see Mt. Rushmore. The family stopped for snacks at a 7-Eleven, where an unwitting clerk declared, "Welcome to South Dakota!" Three people were killed and the clerk has not been able to even see Curious George books without experiencing an anxiety attack.

For some reason, unknown to people who study such things, chimps and other monkey-types never become violent when left in their home state. Well documented, non-violence by organ-grinder monkeys is attributed to the fact that, for such monkeys, nomadism is the norm and, therefore, its own kind of home. Hopefully, Congress, exempted these simians from said law. After all, who doesn't love watching an out of state monkey in a little outfit and hat grinding away?

Now can I just say, when I read about this bill I could not stop laughing. I laughed to the point of tears. To think that this is what my country has become. Pelosi and her minions mean to tell me that the founding fathers pledged their "Lives, [their] Fortunes and [their] Sacred Honor" for this? Brave soldiers trod with bloody feet through the snow so that our Congress of pathetic human refuse could debate and vote to outlaw the transport of primates across state lines. They will foam at the mouth at the thought of someone restricting the "right" of a mother to slaughter her own unborn child, but don't you dare try to sell a monkey to a private citizen in another state.

Only 95 representatives voted against the measure, which means plenty of Republicans as well as Democrats thought enough of this idiotic bill to see it pass.

Consequently, I'm done. I can't take it anymore. I am no longer a member of any political party. There is no honor in Washington. The Republicans of late have shown a concern for fiscal responsibility. But lets not be fooled; they were brought to this conclusion kicking and screaming. They want power and influence just like the other side of the aisle. Yes, the Republicans stood firm against the stimulus bill, but I don't believe for a moment that the party at large really opposed it. It was just political expediency, not honor. Where was their honor during the Bush years? Washington corrupts EVERYONE!

The latest: Utah's getting a new congressional representative in exchange for a rep in D.C. The caveat? The Utah rep is an "at large" rep that represents the whole state. What the h---? Where is that in the constitution? I thought "at large" reps were called Senators. So basically "ha ha" to everyone outside of Utah. I've got two people representing my district; you get only one. You see, Utah was scheduled to get a new rep after the next census anyway. This way we get one early, but in the way Congress wants it. I'll gladly wait for the census and take my constitutionally supported representatve, thank you. Obviously an at large rep (one that would include Salt Lake) will have a better chance of being a Democrat, since if he/she were given a district, as is usual, it likely would have included a majority of rural Utah; way too conservative.

Who's for this: Orrin Hatch. I can't stand that guy! Nay, as a senator, I despise him. I'm sure he's a nice guy, but no doubt his only interest is senatorial perks; which of course means he's right where he belongs: in a 100 member country club for slimey pigs, who care nothing for liberty and limited government, but lust for power and influence. The free corporate jets and cars with drivers is just too much for those hearty folk to resist. No doubt some of them arrive in D.C. with starry eyes, and visions of Mr. Smith in their heads. But no sooner do they get off the plane, then they find themselves the favorite prostitute of some lobbyist with money and perks coming out of his ears. The next thing you know, they've traded their honor for a pair of stilettos and black fishnet stockings.

I fear the time has past that voting can do anything to stem the tide. On December 16, 1774, in Boston's Old South Church, Samuel Adams walked to the pulpit and declared, "This meeting can do nothing more to save the country." Soon after, a group of patriots, loosely disguised as Mohawk Indians, were seen dumping British tea into the harbor. Perhaps it may be said that "voting can do nothing more to save the country." That something must be done is evident, but what I do not know; but aligning myself with one of the two prevailing political parties is certainly not it.

If you need me you can find me either digging a bunker behind my house or running military drills with my children in the basement. If I'm not in one of those two places, try to find where Obama is holding political prisoners. I may be there.